Boys are never expected to cry, but this might depict one’s insensitive n emotionless side.
Since last many days I had this title to write about but today something happened, that suddenly turned me inside out. A mental conflict that covered all my thoughts since last several days was to opt for a test out of two I had on a single day. Weather to take the test for which I had inclination or to go for one which my father insisted me to take. However fortunate part in terms of timing was that their timing didn’t overlapped but unfortunately one started just after the other with no time gap, whereas I had to cover a long distance between the two test centers. With all these hustle & stir in mind I finally opted to go for one I was interested; however had a hidden desire to appear for both.
Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining, on the pre-eve of test day my pal, now a very close friend, showed his concern and offered me that he would be driving me to the test centers with his bike. Suddenly he gained a new level of respect with his words (& I gave him this expression), as in this fast track life no one wants to squander for others. Then we planned our trip using Google, the God of internet, jotted down all some landmarks so as to not get confused and after making all schedule and arrangements for next day I slept with a satisfaction that I’d be able to fulfill desire of both, me and my father.
This day was important for me for many reasons primarily it had two entrance tests, secondly these tests had different opportunities for me thirdly for the difference in inclinations of me and my father and most importantly because I also left a marriage of my very close cousin sister that was on this date only. Next day I woke-up carrying all these thoughts in mind and with wishes to convert these opportunities.
But day started with some mishap, as neglecting my needs bike didn’t work well and responded in bad voices & bad pick-up. Each passing minute increased my heart-beats per minute and my worries. Both of us knew it to be a bad omen but didn’t said it in words however finally I took decision to go by public transport(bus) and gave him the address to arrive on time to carry me to next exam centre. Moving in bus now I was worried more for this exam as-well as I was not moving in accordance with my schedule and specifically speaking was late. But probably God showered his/her blessings and I covered the distance in less than the usual time thus reaching centre on time and again I considered it to be a good omen thus became optimistic for rest of the plan.
After completing my one paper out of two I came out and called my pal to confirm whether the bike is repaired or not and got positive reply, also fixed the point where he’d catch me as not to waste even a second.
Things went accordingly, as soon as I came out of test centre he kicked on his bike and drove at maximum permissible speed in accordance with traffic but unknowingly somewhere we missed the prescribed route but still continued on, as time didn’t permitted us to turn back. Unfortunately red lights and traffic rush limited our speed; now each passing second seemed longer than hours, time started running faster than our bike. Finally we reached, as we pressed brake on the gate of exam centre I stepped down and ran rapidly towards entry but suddenly heard a word of which I was most afraid, “stop”. This voice was of the guard on gate, who stopped and warned me that I’ve crossed even the late time limit and now I can’t move inside. I took a look on my wrist watch from corner of my eyes, and found “yes I am 1 minute late”, still I firmly requested, deeply pleaded, furiously brawled ……. I also firmly believed and argued that “you wasted these precious 3 minutes in trying to stop me” (as now it was 2:33 pm). Now they told me that if they would allow me in they might lose their job: and I felt like telling that “your job is not more important than my test” however I swallowed these words. They started acting as most scrupulous person under the sky, but for me they were my biggest foe under the sky.
Hope is a good breakfast but a bad supper. Finally I came out miffed and felt shattered, even I knew the fact that I was late yet told me that they should understand my situation; even if I knew that they were doing their duty yet my thoughts, expressions and emotions were oozing with rage for them. Had I not got this offer even then I would have not taken this test but the processing of thoughts since last one day made me connected with it; now my expectations got attached with the efforts done by us. I imagined a scene of taking both tests, which was unlike the last one, and fulfilling desires of both, me and my father. Alas! Now I was returning back, feeling defeated and hopeless.
On my way back I was sitting on rear seat and was feeling shocked, my expressions were expressionless, my words were blank, my voice was silent, I started hearing every silence except the sound or noise around me. Oh my god! What’s this rolling on my cheek,” tears”, but why “why am I crying”, “you have lost nothing”, “you lost an opportunity”, “oh! These tests come and go”, “no, but not this year again”, ”dear it’s not your fault”, “yes, it’s all because of those monster guards” . With lots of these introspection and self convincing words I tried to console myself, but failed in this act also. I tried to hide my face from all passersby so they may not see my tears, even though they because of our travelling speed they dried very quickly still the next rolling wet ball would quickly replaced one.
Finally after some period of time, I think when estrogens or whatever chemical that helps to get rid of this depression ended, I was able to stop myself. Also I found myself successful in preventing anyone to see my face in this duration. Now the question that covered my senses was that, “do we always get reward for our efforts?”, or we need to get satisfied with whatever we get. People say that gods helps those who helps themselves, “but was this the help given by God?”. Others also says that, we always receive only what is destined, “so which one is always truly applicable in real life?”, “is there any prescribe single formula to live happy life?”.
